There are multiple reasons to think Toby Damon is an Enneagram 7, but what does that mean? Enneagram 7s are also referred to as “The Enthusiast.” They are outgoing, adventurous, and have a special way of winning people over. Their optimism and energy bring life to any room. That said, they also struggle with finding satisfaction in their attempts to avoid unpleasant feelings. I think Toby Damon demonstrates these qualities throughout the series. You can learn more about Enneagram types at The Enneagram Institute website or Truity, which offer detailed descriptions and insights.*
Remember!
- There are spoilers ahead!
- I’m not going in any particular order as I site examples from the episodes.
We first meet Toby on This Is Us when Kate Pearson attends a support group for overeaters. He is immediately likeable, and he wins Kate over even though she has no intention of dating a “fat person” at the moment. They end up dating and eventually marrying… and divorcing. Throughout the series, his outgoing personality, grand gestures, and tendency to try escaping his emotions are why I think he is an Enneagram 7.
Toby Is the Life of the Party
From the moment we meet Toby in Season 1 Episode 1, he is cutting up and trying to entertain others. His outgoing temperament endears him to Kate right away. He continues to position himself as comic relief through much of the series. He wears loud clothes and acts silly as a way to win people over. His joy and enthusiasm can’t help but win people over, which is indicative of an Enneagram 7.
Toby is able to easily find his place as part of the Pearson clan. The whole family embraces him as a fitting partner for Kate.
Impact from His Childhood
We learn from a flashback to Toby’s childhood (Season 3, Episode 5) that Toby learned early how to use humor to lighten the mood and avoid painful emotions. When his mother and father are getting divorced, and she is suffering from depression, Toby takes it upon himself to do silly impressions to try and ease her pain as well as avoid his own.
Avoiding Negative Emotions
When Kate has a miscarriage in Season 2, Episode 9, we once again see Toby trying to keep painful emotions at bay. In this case, his desire is to do whatever it takes to keep away things that will remind Kate of her pain. But I think this also stems from a desire to avoid his own struggles with the loss of their baby.
Toby exhibits the desire to avoid his painful emotions over their son’s blindness when they do eventually have a child. In his stressed-out state over Jack being blind, he starts to demonstrate some traits of and Enneagram 1. He goes into research mode, trying to find answers that will “fix” his son. This is very much something an Enneagram 7 would do when they move toward Enneagram 1 during difficult times.
Lack of Satisfaction and Boredom
There are several times throughout This Is Us where Toby struggles with boredom and a lack of satisfaction, which are also indicative of an Enneagram 7. Even though Toby wanted to be a good dad to his family, he had a hard time when that became his only role. He missed the stimulation of being around other adults and having work to do. Without being able to be the center of attention, Toby struggled to find satisfaction in his life.
We also see this when Toby does eventually get a new job… in San Francisco. When Kate goes to see him there in Season 6, Episode 9, they go to a party with his coworkers. Toby is in his element, keeping everyone energized and entertained. However, he ends up frustrated when Kate sees this behavior as selfish and ignoring her needs in the process. Ultimately his need for freedom in this way leads to his divorce from Kate.
When His Thoughts Catch Up to Him
Although Enneagram 7s try to avoid dealing with their anxious thoughts and negative feelings, those things do often catch up to them. In Toby’s case, he suffers from serious depression. He takes medication to keep it at bay. However, in Season 3, Episode 5, he goes off his meds to try to improve the odds of Kate getting pregnant. He tries desperately to hide the thoughts and feelings coming at him during this time. In the end, though, it all catches up to him. He ends up severely depressed and unable to get out of bed.
Defense Mechanisms
Enneagram 7s try to keep their thoughts at bay by staying on the go. This keeps their minds busy so they can avoid the fact that they don’t trust their thoughts. They also utilize humor, an upbeat attitude, and entertaining others as a way to keep unpleasant things at arms length. Toby admits to Kate that he used those defence mechanisms.
In Season 6, Episode 9, Kate expresses that she misses the “old Toby.” She observes that he seems happier than she has seen him in a long time. However, he’s not the goofy, over-the-top guy that she fell in love with. Toby’s response is that old Toby was “a mess, miserable, insecure, and self-loathing,” and that the goofiness and jokes were actually a self-defense mechanism. He tells her that she “fell in love with a coping mechanism.” If that’s not Toby Damon admitting he’s an Enneagram 7, I don’t know what is!
What Makes Toby Damon an Enneagram 7
What I love about Toby as a character is that he shows both the gifts and challenges of being a Seven. His humor and enthusiasm bring joy to those around him, but his avoidance of pain creates deeper problems that eventually surface.
The writers did such a good job showing how his Enneagram type influences his choices throughout the series, from his initial meeting with Kate to their eventual separation. It’s what makes his character feel so real and three-dimensional.
* I also utilize The Wisdom of the Enneagram for analysis
